Lying

            I can easily say that I have been a liar, and a successful one for a while. Now at this point you are disgusted with me, who likes liars right? Sometimes it’s necessary, and that’s me. I am a necessary liar; I do it to keep my friends, family, and self out of trouble. Now still lying is not a good thing, something I’d never advice on a consistent basis. But sometimes, like when your teacher is asking why you were late for class, you have to lie. This chapter is a guide to how to lie and also when not to. First, a little Safety Advisory.

Safety Advisory

These techniques have a high chance of getting you and/or your friends in trouble. They are not to be used on a regular basis; this makes you a compulsive liar. Do not be a compulsory liar; this will get you in more trouble. Being a necessary liar, although safer, is still risky. Do not try unless positive it will work.

The Compulsive liar (or what you never want to be): This is the person who whenever she/he says something you call another friend or check the internet to fact check whatever he or she is saying. You want to be believed when you talk, correct? So after you get caught in a few lies, your friends label you as a liar. This is no fun because

a.)    They don’t pay any attention to what you say

b.)    They don’t trust you

c.)    They kind of drift away and talk to you to other people about how you’re a liar, which gives you a bad reputation!

Nothing we want huh? Now there are a few ways to avoid the dreaded compulsive liarism.

1.      Make sure your lies are the same between person to person. Example, if you send a text to your friend saying that you’re sick, when you’re really going out with her ex-boyfriend, make sure you tell your other friends that you’re sick. If you lie like that though, you don’t get to gossip about the guy. Kind of a loss. So another example, you tell your teacher that you woke up late, but you were really getting a coffee, make sure that when you go sit with your friends you tell them that you woke up late, not that you got the most amazing latte at so and so coffee shop.

2.      If your lies involve your parents, make sure that you tell them. One of my friends was late coming to school because she was out with a boy at a doughnut shop. She comes into the office and says I woke up late, sorry. The problem is they had already called her mom and asked where she was and her mom told them that she dropped her off. She was in trouble. Another example is if you really don’t want to hang out with someone and you tell them someone in your family is hurt, or that your animal is hurt, or something that involves your parents, make sure you tell them. Because there is a possibility where your friend will see your parent at some point and ask, “oh how is so and so?” and your parental figure will not know what the hell they are talking about. Then you are left with a friend who is now hurt (because you won’t want to hang out with them) and her/him knowing that you, my friend, are a liar.

3.      Make it plausible. Do not say when someone asks what you did that weekend, that you went to the amusement park, met a cute guy/girl and made out with him/her for them majority of your stay at the park, if you really went to the park and gave a homeless man a dollar. Weave in the truth. Here’s an example of a conversation that wouldn’t work:

 Friend: Hey so where were you last night? We missed you!

You: Oh…I was just walking out the door when a big purple dinosaur flew right in front of me and offered me a ride on his back. Then we went on a journey across the world and I got gold from a leprechaun. I told him I needed to get back to my house but he just breathed fire and set half the world on fire, then I fell. And I landed on a centaurs back, but he wouldn’t give me a ride back home without me giving him the leprechauns money, so I did and by the time I got back to the house it was too late to go. Sorry.

Friend: You know, you could have just told me the truth. Glad I mean so much to you. Walks away angrily.

Now here’s what might work, but will not save feelings. (The truth)

                  Friend: Hey so where were you last night? We missed you!

                   You: I didn’t feel like hanging out.

Friend: Oh well, okay then. Walks away sadly, talks about you to other friends about                            how you don’t wanna hang.

Now if you want to make it a little more nice:

                    Friend: Hey so where were you last night? We missed you! 

                  You:   I couldn’t find a ride.

                  Friend: Oh no! Maybe next time then! Smiles, you to walk away together.

This option is like a white lie, you saved his/her feelings. That comes up more in reasons for lying.

4.      If you are telling a parent make sure they don’t know your tells. I know that my parents know my lying tells, well at least one of them does. According to him I look to the left when I lie. Here are some other tells, see if you do any of them!

a.      Touching the face

b.      Changing the face expression (I only do this when I’m letting someone know that I’m lying)

c.       Blinking rapidly

d.      Rubbing eyes

e.      Sweating (actually this is what lie detectors use)

f.        Shaking of the head

g.      Hesitating

h.      Fidgeting

i.        Leaning away

j.        Swallowing often

k.       Breathing faster

l.        Talking faster or slower

m.    Repeating same sentence

           See there are quite a few! Make sure that you are not obviously doing these.

The necessary liar: Any lying to some people is no good. But sometimes they work as to not get in trouble with someone other than your parents. Nowhere in here will I recommend lying to your parents, it doesn’t end well. The just know. The lie I personally do the most is the white lie. Example being (for girls) your friend has a flat butt, and she buys a cute pair of jeans and says, “Doesn’t my butt look great.” Now do you say, those jeans look great on you, but your butt is still flat. Or do you say Ohmigod yes! You look damn fine gurrrrlll!  All dem boys be looking at you. Another example, this time for boys, one of them has a let’s say a huge crush on a girl and he’s psyched because she talked to him for like 2 minutes because she was asking people to vote for her for class president. He says, “Hey man, I think she likes me too. She was talking to me an awful lot.” Do you say, no she was just trying to butter you up so you’d vote for her? Or do you say, oh yeah, she was definitely flirting with you. It’s all about saving the feelings

            The other type of lying is the one to avoid trouble. This one time in 8^th grade, two friends and I “couldn’t” hear the bell from where we were hanging out in the girls bathroom, well we knew it rang, but we were faking ignorance. We ended up going back to class and saying, “We’re so sorry Ms.                      .We didn’t hear the bell.” We still got in trouble, but it sounded better than, “We’re sorry, but we didn’t want to go to class so we hid out in the bathroom.” Those are the only types of lying that are allowed in my book! (Literally)